When Remus is Gone
by kheelwithit
Summary: Remus writes a letter that Harry will probably never even read. Disclaimer.


When Remus Is Gone

-kheelwithit-

Dear Harry,

I... I suppose I'm writing this because — well, because in all likelihood, I won't be around much longer and I have to tell you some things. Not bad, just things for growing up.

Your father would have wanted me to tell you these things.

Harry, have you loved someone so much that you would give their own arm up for you?

Literally, give an arm for?

And imagine that they're your heart. The only thing you have left. Now imagine that you are their armor, one of the only things that make your life worthwhile.

And that you are one of the people most capable of bringing them pain and problems and stress.

You have to always stay an appropriate distance, no matter how much you wish you could scoop them up.

Keep them safe forever and always.

When you have to hold that person while he's screaming out his heartbreak because an entire half of his armor just floated away. Because that person has to do things that you can't help him. And then you have to let that person go. Let him feel all of that alone.

I'm just like that. And you were are both mine and Sirius' hearts. And we were your armor. Now it's just me. I dread the day that I won't be there. But when I'm gone I want you to know that you are strong. You can do it.

Please don't cry for me Harry. I couldn't take it if you even cried one more time because I'm not there to stop it. Just be happy. Every time you see your friends. Every time you hold your godson. Just smile. Can you do that? The spell that will kill me probably wont hurt a bit. No matter how I die, I had you. And that is more than enough reason to stop mourning. To not even begin.

I keep having this dream. I keep making you yell and you're crying. You don't want me to leave. But I am anyway. And I keep walking towards the door. And you start spelling up boxes and crates blocking my way. I tell you that I'll be back and it makes you scream louder. You tell me that I always say that.

And in reality, I do. I tell you I'll always be there to help. But I never seem to be there when it matters.

You pull out a little locket with a picture in it. You tell me it'll keep me safe.

And then I'm standing in the shack. I swear Harry, sometimes it seems those walls talk to me because I promise you that I can hear them. They're telling me that I have one last chance to do what's right for you. And I'm supposed to go and stand by you one last time. And I walk out of the shack and it turns into a battle. Death Eater's are swarming around every Order member.

At least 300 people are fighting, screaming and dropping. But they're all people from my generation, not yours. Minerva, Severus, James, Lilly, even Sirius are all there, fighting. The shack disappears and spells are flashing like twisted fireworks.

I pull out my wand. I can hear the screams of incantations almost drowning out my own. I aim another spell at someone and something stops me.

I look down and who is there but you. Harry Potter. Only 13. Like the first time that I saw you in Hogwarts.

You're telling me to help Tonks. Help her because she's bleeding. And I can only ask how you got here, in all of this chaos. You don't need this. It's not your battle to fight. You tell me you followed me. You wanted to give me a coin. It says #1. To bring me home. I tell you that I can't leave. That It's my responsibility to see this mess through. You get mad and tell me that you and Tonks are leaving.

I want to stop you, I really do, but I can't bring myself to, because it would be safer for you to stay out of this.

You tell me to show them how much more I care about this compared to you. It breaks my heart. You say that that's what they want. That's why they keep screaming my name. You say it's no wonder I keep taking dreamless sleep.

I wonder how you knew that.

I have no idea what that second half means to this day.

Even after the 3 years of having this dream.

I hear a curse penetrate the loud blur of noise and that bleeding green light flies towards me. I turn around and my mouth spits out the same vile curse. I live long enough to see the cursor drop to the floor. The sky darkens, but my life doesn't flash. Nothing too cliche.

The life that I could have had collapses like the alternate reality that it is.

...Then I wake up.

It happened last night you know. I'm writing this at Molly's kitchen table. You've just woken up and you look ridiculous shuffling downstairs. I hope you never have to read this. Molly's put you to setting the table though. Tonk's wants me home soon too. I suppose I should wrap this up.

The entire point is for me to show you that none of this is your fault. No matter how many of us die, no matter what prophesies say, this was never supposed to be your battle. This was Our battle. Your parent's battle. You deserve better. You deserve a proper family and to be happy. And I can't give it to you. I am more sorry than you will ever be able to comprehend. And we're all sorry. Every single one of the adults you know. We're all sorry that we couldn't give it to you. We're sorry you have to clean up our mess. Even Severus. He's one of the ones most sorry of all. We're sorry, but we will protect you. We will each line up to protect you Harry, because you are our only hope of fixing what we ruined. You are the hope, no matter how much I pray that you weren't, for our children to have a proper childhood. I think that's what I'm supposed to be teaching you. I can't exactly tell though. I'm sure you'll figure it out. You've always been bright. I am proud of you. I love you Harry, never forget.

-Remus


End file.
